Top 10 Sequels Never Made
Entries 1 Through 5
Final Sacrifice: The Return of Zap and Troy AKA Zap Rowsdower and the Legend of the Boreal Forest
Our favorite team of heroes returns! Bruce J. Mitchell is back as the ever popular Zap Rowsdower! This time around, Troy McGreggor (Christian Malcolm – all grown up now!) discovers an ancient society living deep in the Boreal Forest, who think he is the descendant of a lost god! But Evil lurks in the forest, and tries to destroy Troy to make way for Armageddon! Troy escapes and tracks down Zap Rowsdower, who’s history may hold the key to salvation! Living as a hermit in a log cabin (with plenty of beer!), Zap is reluctant to help Troy and return to the world… can Troy convince him otherwise? Rowsdower soon discovers that both he and Troy may have been fated to save Canada.. and the entire world!
(Yes, if you don’t know about Zap Rowsdower, we recommend checking out The Final Sacrifice – it’s 100% Canadian cheese. Get the MST3K version if you can).
Howard the Duck 2
Chip Zien returns as the voice of Howard T. Duck, who is now living with rock star/girlfriend Beverly (Lea Thompson). The couple find themselves victims of discrimination by an intolerant society. When a law to legalize human-duck marriage is turned down, it looks like our favorite inter-species couple may finally have to call it quits… until Dr. Walter Jenning (Jeffrey Jones) returns and warns Howard about the return of the Dark Overlords through a newly discovered 24th dimension, created by the Hadron Collider in Switzerland! It’s thrills and wacky hi-jinks as Howard tries to understand Swiss culture as well as defeat the Dark Overlords once again! This time around, Howard T Duck will be rendered completely in CGI!
Manos 2: The Hands of Destiny
This sequel to Manos: The Hands of Fate is a big budget followup to Hal P. Warren’s low-budget indie shocker. An unsuspecting couple tries to stay the night at a strange lodge somewhere in the vicinity of El Paso, Texas. The place is run by a very strange caretaker named Michael (originally played by the late Hal Warren – perhaps we can get his son Joe Warren to play the part now?) In any case, the couple soon come across a bizarre cult featuring multiple brides (including a grown up Debbie, played by a returning Jackey Neyman) who follow orders of The Master (a returning Tom Neyman). Since Torgo was killed in the original, it would be difficult to bring him back (especially since John Reynolds committed suicide) but if his character was worked back in (perhaps as a one-handed demon creature?) we recommend bringing in Michael J. Nelson to play the part. There would be a big, fiery ending in Manos 2, as the Valley Lodge is destroyed… but could the Master possibly live on? Come on, Hollywood, make this movie! The city of El Paso needs the work!
Remo Williams: The Adventure Continues
Remo Williams – The Adventure Begins was this super cool little flick from the mid eighties starring Fred Ward as an out-of-shape cop who is secretly trained by a secret organization to battle corruption… secretly! Given a new identity, his trainer is Master Chiun, a Korean who is a master at the martial arts, watches soap operas, and has a real chip on his shoulder about being Korean. (“You did not ask to be white. So perhaps that is not your fault. You did not ask to be here. Perhaps that is not your fault, either. “) He spends most of the moving training an out-of-shape Remo while spewing hilarious insults at him. At the end, Remo remembers his training, kicks the asses of the bad guys (while sometimes hanging from the Statue of Liberty), and endears himself to Master Chiun.
Whatever happens in Remo Williams 2, Fred Ward and Joel Grey must be brought back to reprise their roles as the most odd crime-fighting couple ever. More insults, more training, and more action, please! Also, continue the tradition of having an action sequence at a famous landmark… one idea: have some of the plot set in South Korea (make it personal for Master Chiun) and dangle Fred off the Seoul 63 Building.
Update: Apparently they are doing a remake. That’s dumb. Fred Ward IS Remo Williams. Next thing you’ll tell us is that they are remaking Star Trek and using somebody other than Shatner to play Kirk. Yeah, right.
Pumaman 2 AKA Pumaman Returns
The goofball Superman/Green Lantern ripoff from Italy called Puma Man actually inspired it’s own ripoff – The Greatest American Hero (ok, it’s probably just a coincidence, but still). You’ll recall that in TGAH, William Katt played a regular guy suddenly given super powers by an alien race. It was a silly premise but a fun show. Puma Man also has a silly premise – regular guy working in London discovers that a special belt (from an alien race) turns him into a superhero named PumaMan, who can do all sorts of interesting things like fly (badly), see in the dark, sense danger (sometimes), and teleport himself around (but like Nightcrawler, only to places he knows). It’s fun in an altogether different way – because it’s so inept. The best way to watch Pumaman is through the MST3K version, which is hilarious. Watch Tony Farms hang awkwardly from invisible supports while major cities are rear-projected around him! Watch Aztek brute Vadinho do most of the work while Pumaman whines alot! Watch Donald Pleasence and his evil fashion sense! Watch… gold masks, spinning alien globes, and Stonehenge!
We would love to see a Pumaman 2. Walter George Alton is currently a malpractice lawyer in New York… certainly it wouldn’t be difficult to coax him back into the Puma suit! Just dangle the belt thing in front of him and a check, so we can watch him rejoin weird Aztek man Miguel Ángel Fuentes and spacey blonde Sydne Rome… when last seen, Tony and Jane were about to make a little PumaMan in mid-air. Vadinho told him to give him a ring when he was the daddy of a little pumaman. The plot virtually writes itself… here’s a great opportunity to remake Superman Returns into a movie that’s actually worth watching! And bring back the spinnin’ globes, cuz aliens and pumas – that’s the one true religion!
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